"Weeping Willow"

I restlessly lie in my bed
Replaying the words through my head
The things I've said can't be undone
The storm of what was said cannot be outrun

Remorse, my old friend, is now my constant companion
I might as well pushed you into a deep canyon
You said there's no going back, hopeless
And I can't numb my regret, dopeless

It's hard enough to look in the mirror
The fog is clearing and I can see it clearer
Now I lie in bed with my thoughts, motionless
The goal is to not think at all, notionless

The clouds are forming, and the rain falls
No more laughs during 7 hour phone calls
The rain forms puddles, the puddles form lakes
With the beauty of how easy your heart breaks

The water fills every pore
Soaks me to my very core
As the water rises to my face
The words I spoke I can't erase

I can swim, so don't feel sorry for me
I can see with dread the abyss beneath
I've known you for over 10 years now
Through your heart I unintentionally plow

And, of course, my timing was terrible, so bad
You were on the phone and crying, so sad
You keep getting hurt by men, but i'm not the first
I don't know how it would affect me if it was reversed

Where are the days when we spoke of perfect little futures
As your heart was healing I kept tearing out the sutures
We were suppose to grow old together
So much for that, so much for fair weather

You're a beautiful person, down to your core
As I drown in this sea of regret, I see no shore
Too little too late, as I go under
As my last thought is of my verbal blunder

Just know I'm sorry, lest we never speak again
And know you've always been there for me, a true friend
You can't be replaced, and this is true
This is goodbye, and know I'll always love you

7-22-11

Unspoken commands

Really want to write some new poetry but for reasons yet obscure I haven't yet. I thought about some good lines but forgot them when it came do writing them.

A couple days ago I walked into the living room and asked if the guys were watching "All Worked Up" but nobody answered me. That wasn't a good feeling.

I'm struggling with resisting the temptations of food here at the Friendship Home. In my head i'm just saying hang in there til I can move out with Josh.

New computer in a few weeks :)

7-17-11 345 lbs.

7-17-2011 345 lbs.

trying this journal bit, and i didn't know this site even had that feature...

watching lots of movies for entertainment. mom let me borrow the laptop til i get my desktop in the beginning of august. hope my bio dad will help me with getting a car. 

got 4 month membership @ the local aquatics and fitness center. hopefully i'll utilize it.

it seems things with mandakon are over for good, this time. that's ok with me, as it's probably a good thing to have her out of my life. but oh i'll miss her i'm sure, and in a way i already do.

still loving music. i just can't get enough.